i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
