dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
