I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
