She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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