i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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