I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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