I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
