4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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