I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
