I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
