Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
