We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
