Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
