i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
