He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
