I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
