U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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