I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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