her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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