Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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