WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
