tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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