I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
