I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
