Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
