I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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