im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Sober January is a disaster.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
