My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
His hands were made for my vagina.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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