I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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