dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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