Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
