Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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