At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
