I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
