Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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