Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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