he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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