I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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