I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
