so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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