woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
