I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
