so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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