you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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