i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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