I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
