Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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