Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
