You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
