apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
