i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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