apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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