I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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