i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
