ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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