The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I can't put those talents on a resume
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
