I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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