my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
