don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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