I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
third nipple confirmed
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
