Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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