i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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