Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
