I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
