So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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